All on Board?
Most women would probably say they read in bed before drifting to sleep but what I do is mentally and physically prepare for the wee hours to come. Any moment between 10:00pm-6:00am our ultra king size bed contains my husband, two children, a 120pd dog, and myself. I have nothing against the “family bed” and quite honestly it is the only time my children will cuddle even if they do so in a sleep induced coma.
I try to be first down hitting REM before the chaos begins. Enters the dog first with a ten minute tap dance on the hardwood floor before he determines where and how he will join me. Second is our youngest announcing there is something under his bed. Third is my husband who flips on the television to catch up with Soap Network (no, I’m not kidding). A few hours later our oldest will wander in speaking full sleep nonsense and either turn around and go back to his room or flop down horizontally at the bottom of our bed resting his head on the dog’s belly.
At this point I brace myself for the wave pool effect. The dog, extremely stubborn, will not budge for anyone, any foot, leg, or kick. Youngest will usually drape an arm across my neck and breath in my face while oldest wrestles with comfort for at least ten minutes. Husband is the smartest of all. When he takes place in this array he makes darn sure it is a comfortable one and doesn’t let anyone or thing disrupt it.
Just as the wave pool calms, the noise begins. Our dog “fluffs” as I like to call it but you can use your own imagination. Youngest grits his teeth until I stick my finger in this mouth. Sometimes he stops and other times he chews my finger like a chicken tender. Either way I feel as though my motherly duty is to keep him from sanding his pearly whites to stumps. Oldest is still carrying on a conversation of nonsense. Sometimes I’ll have fun with it asking him humorous questions such as, “how many times did you pick your nose today?” Other times I opt to simply stick my chewed finger in my ear. Husband snores the night away. Long, loud, grumbling noises emerge from either the mouth or nose I can’t tell. If the boys don’t have to get up in the morning I’ll let them have their fun by taking turns plugging his nose during mid snore to see how long before he jumps straight in the air. I’ve seen a look in the dog’s eye when this is happening and I’m pretty sure he places time length bets in his own head. Good times…good times.
Morning arrives with a random crow outside our window. This bird is at least ten years old covered in wool because he hasn’t missed a 5:30am even on a negative ten degree morning in February.
My husband and I receive very inquisitive looks when we request two double beds on the romance package for Valentine’s Day but hey, it’s the only time to get good sleep. At the end of the day…I mean night, I remind myself someday this ship of mine will be empty. The children will be off to college, and the dog will grow too old to jump on the bed. Until then, I’ll cherish and deal with the sail. So…is everyone on board?
Considering Merry Matriarch for your publication? Email liveaston@merrymatriarch.com for more information!
Just Ask
I’ve realized something enlightening… It’s not just me.
Hearing it more and more, I’ve come to the conclusion that the majority of women do not like to “ask.” I hear it all the time from my husband, “all you have to do is ask.” No, I shouldn’t have to ask and when I do ask he tends to call it numerous verbs ending with the letters i-n-g including nagging, bickering, over reacting, aggravating, barking, or fabricating.
I’ll give you my latest scenario. The kitchen floor has not been mopped in four days and there are obvious random items floating upon its surface. A dog hair here, crumb there, a piece of lettuce over here and a single slice of grass over there. The visual drives me insane. I drop whatever I’m doing at the moment to grab the broom and mop. I just walked in the door to realize this floor crisis yet my husband has been home for three hours. Didn’t he see it? Didn’t it bother him? Did the mop and broom run away with the dish and spoon?
The more I mop the more it bubbles in my mind until the words uncontrollably erupt from my mouth, “When is the last time YOU mopped the floor?” Response: “Oh I’m sorry, all you have to do is ask babe and I’ll do it.”
Can you imagine “asking” all the time? “Oh darling husband, there are eight bags of garbage in the bin. I realize you did not notice as you walked past them nor the 8x10 petition from the neighbors on the front door, but do you think you could kindly take care of the garbage?” It doesn’t work that way. See, acknowledge, and realize something needs to be done. Then be resourceful enough to figure out a way to take care of it.
Example for the “need to be explained”: See random unbeknownst items on floor, absorb the fact they do not belong there, realize you have the power to do something about it and put the equation together.
Broom + Mop + Cleaner + Five Minutes = SOLUTION TO PROBLEM
See how easy that is? No degree required either!
My husband can not go 100% unaccredited however. He does manage to notice his golf clubs moved a fraction of an inch in the garage, the driver’s seat of his car moved slightly, and whether the radio station has been altered in his car. He also has the keen ability to shower and eat without my “asking”.
Considering Merry Matriarch for your publication? Email liveaston@merrymatriarch.com for more information!